The Four Main Types of Tory MP

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[From an early draft of forthcoming Leamington Underground Publishing project ‘Stop it. It isn’t funny any more‘]

Months of in depth study and scientific research have allowed us to simply categorise the four main types of people who end up being members of parliament for the conservative party – a diagrammatic summary and detailed notes follow below. If you feel that any of this is inaccurate or doubt the results of this study, we refer you to everything that the Tory party has said or done for the last 50 years.

Otherwise Useless Inbred Toffs

Red-faced, extravagantly-named and entirely pointless. Maneuvered into a safe seat by the establishment after it turned out that they have no skills apart from talking in a loud, posh and confident manner. Will mostly do nothing of any note, apart from the occasional outburst of fury at something to do with foreign people or women. Part of an ongoing cycle where they keep the bench warm for some other aristocratic wastrel to occupy once they are shunted off to the House of Lords. The circle of shite.


Fake normal people who the proper Tories tolerate in an attempt to appear human. May have an accent but will be about as working class as a foie gras souffle. Will say stuff about ‘pulling themselves up by the bootstraps’, ‘entrepreneurial spirit’ and ‘not asking for handouts’ – but probably won’t talk about how their parents gave them a deposit for a house or got them a job in the family firm. Will never be part of the gang no matter how many creepy “Tell us again how great you are” questions they read out at PMQs. Would claim breathing costs on their expenses if they could get away with it.

Disturbing Zealots

Genuine believers in sticking strictly to right-wing conservative principles at all times – unless when it may disadvantage them in some way. Fervent defenders of free speech and crusaders against the scourge of Political Correctness – until someone calls them a ‘Tory Prick’ on Twitter and they clutch their pearls and try to have the internet turned off. True acolytes of free market economics and enemies of any kind of government spending, unless it is their expenses or propping up the dodgy hedge fund they sit on the board of. Strong supporters Christian values, but without any of that annoying stuff about being nice to sick and poor people.

Sneering Elitists

It’s hard to say if these Orwellian double-speaking horrors are the cause of the state of the country, or a symptom of it. Are they a bug or a feature? Either way they are the result of what happens when a person goes through life suffering no adverse consequences at all for their actions. They are giant spoilt children who see everyone outside their circle as a plaything for their entertainment.
Been caught taking bribes? Have a peerage.
Got the Nanny pregnant? Have a cabinet post.
Ruined the country? Have an 80 seat majority.

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