This highly scientific, carefully researched and deeply nuanced questionnaire will help determine exactly which category of terrible Leamington Spa road user you belong in…
Question 1: What kind of car have you got?
A: Because the safety of my one child is so important to me, I have a large SUV type car, capable of carrying six people over mountainous terrain in the harshest conditions – but, like, the luxury version obvs.
B: A super exclusive version of a super expensive sports car. You can’t even get them any more – it’s got a special exhaust designed to make it 300% louder, just so people definitely know when I am driving around.
C: A dangerously overpowered company car (likely an executive saloon or luxury 4×4) carefully selected via a spreadsheet that calculated maximum BHP vs income tax liability.
D: A dirty car of indeterminate age and manufacturer. It probably has two or three stickers advertising the delivery or ride sharing services I work for displayed at not quite level angles on the side.
Question 2: Which of these most accurately describes your typical daily journey?
A: Mainly just the school run – sometimes a quick jaunt to Waitrose to park across two spaces and live-stream my passive aggressive performance at the deli counter on Instagram.
B: Drive to petrol station, never getting out of second gear. Drive up and down the parade several times being sure to rev the engine as hard as possible. Attempt to get into third gear during the 500 metre drive to work. After work, drive two minutes to the car valeting place, then up and down the parade a bit more & second petrol station visit if necessary.
C: Seething, angry pent-up frustration while waiting in traffic on the motorway, slip road or dual carriageway, occasionally released by driving like a psycho whenever there is a clear stretch of road. I almost always remember to take off my Hugo Boss leather driving gloves before I get into the office.
D: A seemingly endless Red Bull-fuelled torment of driving to wherever my phone tells me to go as quickly and recklessly as possible. Generally either ferrying lazy, feckless people around, or delivering food to people who are too lazy and feckless to walk the half a mile to go and get it themselves.
Question 3: How would you describe your driving style?
A: Mostly one-handed. Because I am in the PTA I have to keep up to date with the ‘Myton Mommas’ Snapchat group at all times for important child protection reasons.
B: Balanced. On the one hand I’m trying to drive a 600bhp supercar on a journey better suited to an electric scooter and trying not to stall, wheelspin or incur a £20,000 repair bill by going over a speedbump at more than 8 mph. On the other it is vital that everyone gets to see how rich, brilliant and definitely well-hung I am.
C: I am an apex predator of the road. Having done a track day a few years back and as a big F1 fan, I have a much better understanding of oversteer, racing lines and slipstreaming than 99% of other drivers. I can drive much faster than everyone else and much closer to other traffic, because of my superior skills. I never, ever stop at roundabouts.
D: Functional. With a worryingly pragmatic approach to the highway code.
Question 4: What is the correct procedure when approaching a pedestrian crossing?
A: What’s a pedestrian crossing?
B: Pull up and rev the engine wildly to deeply impress and sexually excite all the people crossing the road – maybe crank up the very cool music I am playing.
C: Floor it, now we’re out of the EU, we can get rid of PC rubbish like pedestrian crossings.
D: Depends on how behind schedule I am.
Question 5: How do you feel about personalised number plates?
A: I was never really bothered, but then it turned out I could get PAI5 LEY and my son is called Paisley! I couldn’t resist. But then that whore, Jemma, got H3C T0R on her stupid pink Audi Q7 and now I think they are common.
B: A glowing feeling that explodes out from the base of my (very big and impressive) scrotum.
C: HR won’t let me have one on my company A6, but I’ve got T0P BR1T on the wife’s Mini Cooper S that I drive like I’m in a fucking James Bond film round the Cotswolds at the weekend.
D: I don’t care about personalised number plates, but I do have one with a weird non-standard font because one of the lads told me that they don’t show up on speed cameras..
How did you answer?
Mostly ‘A’s: You category is MILF (Mother I’d Like to disqualify From driving) – You consider yourself far too important to do anything as ‘basic’ as driving safely. You’d rather run over a homeless person than put down your phone.
Mostly ‘B’s: Your category is Rich Show Off Wanker – You’re either one of those entrepreneurs who dragged themselves up by the bootstraps with only the occasional six figure loan from their equally annoying parents, or you’re a slave-driving video game company director. Doesn’t really matter. No-one likes you. The fact that you spent over £100k on a car that you drive an average of six miles a day is horribly sad.
Mostly ‘C’s: Your category is Execu-twat Rapide – There’s a 75% probability that you work for Jaguar Land Rover. There’s a 15% probability that you work in sales, probably software or something like that. There’s an 8% probability that you work for a bank or credit card company. The remaining 2% have actually lost their job, but managed to keep the company car and still pretend to go to work every day.
Mostly ‘D’s: Your category is Zero-Hour Accident Waiting To Happen – Self driving cars cannot come soon enough to save us all from your red light ignoring antics.