YOU MUST BRING DOWN THE GOVERNMENT EPISODE #2 – Up For the Craic at Dawn

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If you require a recap before progressing, please check out Episode #1

You tap out the message “Ah, Mr Bond, I’ve been expecting you”, then you change “expecting” to “ecksshhhpecting”, then you change it back again, not sure if Brosnan would get or like the joke. As you tap to send the message, a pressure in your guts overrides all other concerns and you leap up and stagger purposefully towards the bathroom.

The ensuing scene of chaotic ablution is so unpleasant that your brain self censors in real time to protect your delicate, booze-soaked psyche from the horror. You’ll have no memory of ********* **** across the ********, draw a complete blank on the ****** of overpowering ********* when ******* and definitely not worry right now about that ********* on your ********. 

After a lengthy blast in a hot shower, you return to your bed, the phone is still going absolutely crazy. You connect the charger and dash through the settings to turn off as many alerts as you can – the flashing buzzing craziness gradually becomes more sporadic.

Everyone you know is sending you the most popular memes of your drunken selfie face – most have something like ‘I BET THE GIEVRNMENT IS SHITTING ITSELF’ written across your shiny forehead in big, bold, white Impact font.

You groan and lie down. Looks like ‘GIEVRNMENT’ is the number one trend on twitter – your inbox is flooded with abuse, encouragement and all sorts of requests for interviews. You ignore all of it to focus on the most important thing – Pierce Brosnan has DM’d you back!

Hahahaha – lol – love the craic.” Writes Pierce. Then he follows up with:

You looked a bit ‘shaken and stirred’ yourself last night lolol!!??

You tap back: “I was definitely on a mission. But this morning it definitely feels like Tomorrow has definitely died.

Amazingly the little dots flash to show that Pierce Brosnan is typing something back. This is mad, you’re only having a text convo with bloody Taffin. Your mum is going to go spare when she hears about this.

I hear you! We all hate the bloody GIEVRNMENT (!) when we’ve had a skinful!!!! But then the cold light of day comes and…….

You consider the whimsical tone of Pierce Brosnan’s response, then you flash back to the dark rage that comes over you whenever you see the image of the Prime Minister, or hear one his lackeys defending some shameful policy or other. You think of how your blood boils when you think about all the poor, hungry, angry people hopelessly shuffling through their lives while the PM and his mates grow richer and more powerful by the day. It’s enough to drive you to drink, which it does frequently.  

Remarkably, you find yourself texting back “No Pierce, I really meant it. This government has to fall. And I’m going to bring it down

The little dots flash and Pierce Brosnan responds: “Well everyone needsa hoBby LOLOL!!! Got to go – doing voiceover for a yacht company. Fuck the GIEVRNMENT!!! LOL xxxx” He signs off  with a string of emoji boats, hearts, martini glasses and smiley faces.

You message back: “Cool. PS Do you still keep in touch with Rene Russo?

There’s no response. Pierce is either ignoring you or he really is wrapping that transatlantic brogue around some words about luxury boating.

You put the phone down. Breathe deeply and crack your neck left and right. Maybe it’s the effect of the hangover on your brain chemistry, maybe it’s the novelty of being suddenly and embarrassingly famous, it might even be that you appear to have made friends with a James Bond – but you have a sense of clarity and purpose that you’ve haven’t felt in years.

Fishing around on the floor, you find a pad of paper and a pen. You scrawl ‘Bringing Down The Government’ at the top, underlining it twice. Then you write two headings, ‘Assets & Resources’ and ‘Skills & Connections’ and begin to jot down bullet points.

After an hour, all you have on the paper is the following:

  • Current account: £114.53
  • Savings: £569.99
  • Car (2003 Golf, red, MOT 6 months, half tank of petrol)
  • Bike (inner tube needed)
  • Phone (cracked screen)
  • Laptop (quite new)
  • Extensive DVD collection (esp world cinema)
  • Cat (6 years old, grey, moody)
  • Violin (grade 3 attained)
  • Rights to domain name ‘punkcompost.com’ for 15 more months
  • @punkingcompost twitter account (400,000 followers and rising (!) )
  • Part time job at Towards the Edge Books
  • HND in landscaping (Merit)
  • Allotment plot (paid up for 8 months)
  • Reasonably strong swimmer

You chew at the pen while considering your very specific set of skills. Based on this, what strategic approach should you use to bring down the government?

(So far you have brought down 0% of The Government)

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